To be honest, I don't quite feel the Christmas spirit this year; maybe because it is my first time celebrating Christmas without my family but my brother; it is my first time spending it with my friends; it is my first time spending it thousand miles away from my family; definitely not my first time having Christmas celebration without the iconic decorated Christmas tree nor mistletoe. Pretty sad, huh? Not really. I really do thank God for friends I have down here. We did celebrate Thanksgiving and Christmas eve by having nice dinner out. (:
I went to church today to celebrate Christmas and to thank God. The last time I went to church and really feel like I am in one was back in Indo, which is about 12 weeks ago. I kinda was being naughty by not going to church on Sundays like I am supposed and always do. And that makes me sad. I tried to ignore the feeling but somehow today everything just hit me. I felt like I have been avoiding this religious ceremony and God himself because I feel like I've done too much sins. It upsets me quite bad. ): I'm not that surprised that I don't feel the Christmas spirit, simply because I do know how bad I have been, thus the joy and the excitement was washed away all along. Even when I stroll around downtown with those huge Christmas tree decorated fancily, I merely just glance at them and forget about them the next second.
The preacher today was praying for those who feels empty or hurt or whatever negative feelings inside while celebrating Christmas. Somehow I found myself trying to push away the feeling of me being shaken a little bit. Interpret it yourself, s'il vous plait ?
The point is, I realize that Christmas really is a part of me, part of my traditional belief and religion that I can never escape from, and I don't want to. It sucks to feel this way when I bbm everyone "Merry Christmas" when I feel somewhat empty and guilty inside. I'm looking at this year's Christmas at a whole different point of view and I should and I know that I learnt something out of it. Christmas is not just a holiday, it is a celebration of our Savior. It's not just a red-date that everyone gets to let go of their own stuffs for a day and chill, it is a gathering of God's people within families. It's not another day where we get to decorate our home with Christmas tree or even a day that feels like another weekend..
Even worse that it's damn windy out there today instead of snowing like it's supposed to be a white Christmas. But really, I don't think it would make any difference if it is a white Christmas today here in Seattle to me. I hope I can prove me wrong tho.. ~ :x
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