I love myself THAT much I'm afraid to get hurt by anyone. Therefore, I built this wall around my heart and never let it fall apart.
But then again, do I really love myself I can't forgive me that easy?
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Thursday, October 6, 2011
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
dear Pa,
I was browsing through my iPhoto; photos from years ago up until a few days ago. Last Summer's photos and last year's Summer. I can't help but notice how different my dad looks a year ago than today.
One time he told me how his stamina had not been that strong, compared to the old days. I know it wasn't the age factor, nor the overwhelming works he had to do. He's a strong man, and he has always been. I know exactly what burdens him, but he always choose to never complain, even once, about them.
Last summer, we spent two hours talking in the living room, just the two of us, and that hardly happened. In fact, I believe that's the first time ever I spent a quality time with him, after I moved to Singapore. And I come to realize how ungrateful I am as a daughter. I may always take him for granted, never really say nor do what he wants me to say. He's a man that never once complain, and he's a lot like me in many ways; he's stubborn, he's strong, he's wise (unlike me, obviously), a hardworker and a great father.
He never really say anything unless I crossed the line; go into the wrong direction or if I'm against his will. He's a man who doesn't need words said but actions done. He knows actions speak so much louder and that words could only get your hopes up high, but if there's no action taken to proof them, they are merely just another ink on the paper. My mother would always be the one who acts like the mediator between his way of thinking to me. and I get it. I learnt my lesson as I go, cus I realized I am a lot like daddy without me realizing it.
When I decided I should change my major to business, there was some struggling and a little bit of blaming happening but today, I know I wanted to do it for him, not because of I was forced to. I wanted him to know how much I love him (even when I rarely say it out), and that my dream to be a fashion designer doesn't really matter anymore because I wanna make him happy. I wanna make him to be proud of me, and for him to know how much I adore him as a person; as a father.
One day I found out how he felt so guilty about me studying business and never enjoy it. He somewhat blamed himself for that but he never say it out to me. He wanted me to try cus he believes in me. It hurts me so bad to know that he does put so much faith in me, when I don't even believe in myself.
;
I may not be able to express my feelings and everything to you, Pa. But really, I just want you to know that I love you so much and I will never disappoint you anymore. I'm so sorry for my mistakes and stupidness but really, I'm willing to sacrifice everything for you just to make you happy. I don't care if my dream turns into dust, as long as I can make you happy and proud of me. You have done so much for our family and that's priceless. I love you, Pa. (:
N
One time he told me how his stamina had not been that strong, compared to the old days. I know it wasn't the age factor, nor the overwhelming works he had to do. He's a strong man, and he has always been. I know exactly what burdens him, but he always choose to never complain, even once, about them.
Last summer, we spent two hours talking in the living room, just the two of us, and that hardly happened. In fact, I believe that's the first time ever I spent a quality time with him, after I moved to Singapore. And I come to realize how ungrateful I am as a daughter. I may always take him for granted, never really say nor do what he wants me to say. He's a man that never once complain, and he's a lot like me in many ways; he's stubborn, he's strong, he's wise (unlike me, obviously), a hardworker and a great father.
He never really say anything unless I crossed the line; go into the wrong direction or if I'm against his will. He's a man who doesn't need words said but actions done. He knows actions speak so much louder and that words could only get your hopes up high, but if there's no action taken to proof them, they are merely just another ink on the paper. My mother would always be the one who acts like the mediator between his way of thinking to me. and I get it. I learnt my lesson as I go, cus I realized I am a lot like daddy without me realizing it.
When I decided I should change my major to business, there was some struggling and a little bit of blaming happening but today, I know I wanted to do it for him, not because of I was forced to. I wanted him to know how much I love him (even when I rarely say it out), and that my dream to be a fashion designer doesn't really matter anymore because I wanna make him happy. I wanna make him to be proud of me, and for him to know how much I adore him as a person; as a father.
One day I found out how he felt so guilty about me studying business and never enjoy it. He somewhat blamed himself for that but he never say it out to me. He wanted me to try cus he believes in me. It hurts me so bad to know that he does put so much faith in me, when I don't even believe in myself.
;
I may not be able to express my feelings and everything to you, Pa. But really, I just want you to know that I love you so much and I will never disappoint you anymore. I'm so sorry for my mistakes and stupidness but really, I'm willing to sacrifice everything for you just to make you happy. I don't care if my dream turns into dust, as long as I can make you happy and proud of me. You have done so much for our family and that's priceless. I love you, Pa. (:
N
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Let All Go, Dear, So Comes Love
“let it go-the
smashed word broken
open vow or
the oath cracked length
wise-let it go it
was sworn to
go
let them go-the
truthful liars and
the false fair friends
and the boths and
neithers-you must let them go they
were born
to go
let all go-the
big small middling
tall bigger really
the biggest and all
things-let all go
dear
so comes love.”
-e.e. cummings
Sunday, October 2, 2011
Stuck in Reverse
Sometimes you just need to get a great downfall in order to be able to get back up, to know your limitation and capability.
Sometimes life plays you like it's gonna be another game over, another happy or sad endings, or even it beat the shit out of you.
Or even sometimes, your will to fight is under-pressured by the gravity, even for your dreams, you're just letting it fly away like helium balloon set free.
I don't know where my life leads me to. Or even how and when to grab and hang on tight to what I have right now. Some feels right and some doesn't.
One thing that I am sure of, is that, I live today, without knowing where my steps are heading to which pathway. Afterall, karma is a bitch if you're being one, right?
Sometimes life plays you like it's gonna be another game over, another happy or sad endings, or even it beat the shit out of you.
Or even sometimes, your will to fight is under-pressured by the gravity, even for your dreams, you're just letting it fly away like helium balloon set free.
I don't know where my life leads me to. Or even how and when to grab and hang on tight to what I have right now. Some feels right and some doesn't.
One thing that I am sure of, is that, I live today, without knowing where my steps are heading to which pathway. Afterall, karma is a bitch if you're being one, right?
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