What A Shame We All Became Such Fragile Broken Things

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel" 

Maya Angelou

Believe me,  I only have lived the Earth for twenty-one-plus-a-few-days old, but I feel like I have known life in a pretty harsh way, I'd say. I do know I do not know everything, but I guess I've known enough to draw a conclusion that this is not a pretty world we live in.

Classic, huh. Let's just say I've learn my lesson from what I see, what I know and what I learn.

1.

"Trust is like a mirror; you can fix it when it's broken, 

but you can still see the mother fucker's reflection." 

(Lady Gaga)

Three years ago, I was still this rebellious carefree girl; stubborn, smartass, and probably tad too selfish. I always believed that nobody ever deserve a second chance after doing the terrible things they had (unbelievably) done (to me), that trust can only be gained once, not twice or even more. Unfortunately (or fortunately?), honey, karma never fail to knock on the door. I broke trusts of several people I care so much about in my life, all at almost the same time and I begged for second chances. I really didn't hope so much about it since I know second chances are not for everyone, but I was just hoping that I am part of that "not-for-everyone" tiny circles. Then I thought to myself, I was cruel. I was crossing people out of my life just like that with no mercy and yet there I was ironically at the same place deserved to be knocked out of people's life, yet refusing and denying how much I should get it.
Standing in a place where you know you have just break trust is terrifying and horrible. Feeling guilty and unforgivable just simply suck. But I've learned my lesson: that forgiveness takes so much courage and guts, and everyone do deserve second chances ..just with terms & conditions.


2.

"When one thing falls, another grows. 

Maybe not what was there before, but something new and wonderful 

at the same time."

(Bambi's Mother)

I used to be someone who gets whatever I want, at (almost) all cost. Whether I was trying hard to get this or even when I just sit there doing nothing and I get that. Then what does that makes me? An arrogant bitch that oversees and underestimates everything, or sometimes, people too. So one time, reality bitch-slapped me hard right in the face and I went all the way from the top, to the ground.. And it hurts. ): 

It was probably a simple matter, but to me it was big. I had my perfect future plan all set and I was just about to begin and strive my bachelor degree. A month, all it takes, and my plans were all scattered I have to start from zero. When I know I had to toss it out and start fresh on a new blank page, I was devastated. I was angry. I was disappointed. I acted immature and ignored everyone. It felt like my life was about to end; my sleeping pattern was fucked, my appetite was gone and my mood was absolutely depressing to be around. I was an optimistic pessimist before, but during that time, I was positively a pessimist in every way. 

A little voice keeps telling me, there must be something good that He planned -- but I ignored it. I was holding on because I felt like something this good would happen twice. Guess what, I was wrong. Something this good may not come twice, but something better will. 

And I've figured out what was this 'something better'. I get to finally fulfill my passion to be my career, and I've got the green light to study in a city I've never thought I would go to. 

Now, maybe I've overreacted and was barely can contain my emotion but this has taught me so much. I feel I have learned to be patient, to chill before making any big fat decision, because my life doesn't revolve around me alone, no matter how hard I deny. I've got my family that I need to worry about; whatever happens to me they'd care too. The lesson? More mature me. :)

3.

Friendship. I'd say I've this thing when I met a person for the first time, whether I'll be interested to know them more than that one acquaintance . No, it doesn't mean that I judge a book by the cover. But it means if I like you, we'll click just like that, but if I feel something isn't good in our chemistry, then it simply means I have no interest in knowing you further. 

Arrogant? No. I've got to testify that. I think I've learn that you cannot trust people all at once, and your friends may not be your friends afterall. I've known so many so-called best friends broke up over a simple matter, in fact, I experienced several myself. Once I like you, it means I trust you. I trust you to build out friendship and I care about you. Sometimes I oversees thing and forgive because I trust you that you're a good person. 

Ironically, the same reason bite me back in the ass, and friendships end just like that. I've forgiven so much and never looked back but friends do hurt you too, apparently. I thought friends were the ones who got your back and you got theirs too. I thought friends will be there when you need them with no condition. And I thought friends are the ones who saves you when you are lost. I thought that was what friendship was. 

Nope, I was wrong. A few friends decided to show me how painful it is to lose people that I care so much about, or some even decided to do bads and feel no guilt about it - which eventually ruined my life. 

Until one day, I decided to cut off anyone who are no good to me. Honey, it is always painful to watch people leave, but it is even more painful to say goodbye to people that you thought matter. It's like you finally realize you're a fool to believe in something you thought was real. I think it's worse than knowing that you have got your Hermés worth a grand and at the end of the day it's fucking made in China. :P

Long story short, I am happy surrounded by the people I have right now by my side. Maybe it seems like I have so much less people I keep around than before, but I'm telling you, I have never been happier. I don't have to worry about another betrayal, another backstabbing or another stupid rumor-spreaders. Cutting off relationship may sounds harsh, but if that helps to make my life even better, why not?


________________________________________________________________

I may not know everything about life, but I know that I have known enough to shape me for who I am today. I had to thank my past, as much as I refuse to. A friend of mine once told me how 'fun' my life seems; roller coaster ride that they thought can only happen in the fiction. Mentally tiresome and sickening. But, if I had to rewind, I'd refuse. Because life is tough and it's your choice to let it control you, or.. you control it. :)


xo,


N