Every Little Earthquake Caught

"Behind these perfect solid walls, there are cracks that are hidden from the outside."

Admit it. Even when you don't judge a book by its cover, the very first thing that you will notice about it is the appearance. The cover of it that cloaks the pages inside that withdraw your curiosity of its content. And then it all comes back to you; to ignore the ugly cover that surrounds the pages inside or you may proceed to find another book that trigger your inquisitiveness. 

But here's the thing;

Even the strongest person you know hides something within them. It may be an old heartbreak or a little white lie. But you can't see them because he hides it with his strength, that no one could notice. 

Every little heartbreak or every little painful pinch must worth something in the end. Classic, yes, but I believe that everything happens for a reason and God must have assigned it to shape us.

I admit that I am lucky; I am lucky and blessed to have a perfect family that anyone can ever ask for. Yes we had our ups and downs, but the boundaries built within us is so strong that we grow stronger and stronger each day. We protect, we love and we share - I am forever grateful because of them.

I know that there are many broken family out there. Whenever I notice one, I can never be more grateful than I am today to be blessed that I still have a perfect family that not everyone can have. In fact, a lot of breaking up is happening around me recently and really, it breaks my heart. Every time that these poor subjects tell me about their sorrow and heartbreaks, a little inside me is dying. Marriage is not a game, don't you see? I know I don't know much about marriage and commitment but when you commit to marry someone, that means you should put the effort to fix what is broken to be pieced back together again.

My most favorite line of the vow is: "..til death do us part." 

and really, what has God united as one can not be separated by human. But look at the society today; they get married and file divorces just like a casual break ups. And every single time I know a break up like that, how on earth did they think their children going to live with that? It'd be enough heartbreaks caused and the innocents one wouldn't need to be broken, don't you think?

Well, I'm just upset about this and kinda decided to keep my mouth shut; write it a bit won't hurt (:

"&& I'll make sure to keep my distance"

"You were crying over problems you faced last couple months. I just don't want you to go back to those for any reason. 

.. 

People keep on cheating your kindness and you keep giving them a chance and still coming back for them" 

that's exactly why I built my wall up so high.

The Chapter Two

This is it.

I graduated from college last Spring, and Summer already began. Graduating and wearing that cape and gown feels relieving, though it is only college. At least I've reached something afterall.

My next path would be pursuing a double major in Mass Communication and Marketing. Seems fun, I'm excited! I keep my next plan as a tiny little secret because I refuse to hear those comments from others, saying that it is such a waste or whatever reasons than going elsewhere in the States. But what do they know? I have missed Nicole's first five years and I don't want to miss more of it ahead. Mom once recalled Nicole's fourth birthday when she cried after hearing my wish via BBM, and there it hit me; I don't wanna miss a thing anymore. She's what keeps me going, she is who I want to walk side by side with and I want to show her the world. She's my motivation and she will always be my little baby girl. Despite those negative reactions I get, I will still stick to my own plan and decision.

Strange feeling surfaces; I still feel as if I'm moving to a new place instead of moving back. But I'm well prepared now. Will be pursuing a degree in double major so I guess I'll be pretty busy but since it's me; study hard means have fun go mad! (;

Current Playlist

Currently favoring these songs:

1. Payphone - Maroon 5 ft. Wiz Khalifa

2. Happy Pills - Norah Jones 

3. Drive By - Train 

4. Oh Darling - Plug in Stereo

5. Somebody that I Used To Know - Gotye ft. Kimbra

6. Icing - Charity Vance

7. Into the Ocean - Charity Vance

8. Don't Let Me Go - The Click Five

9. Kiss - TC and the Geunj

10. All About Us - He Is We ft. Owl City

11. All My Love - Cameron Mitchell

12. Enchanted - Taylor Swift

13. I'll Follow You Into The Dark - Death Cab for Cutie

14. Kiss Me Slowly - Parachute

15. Meet You At The Moon - Imelda May

16. Undertow - Timbaland ft. The Fray

17. Almost Here - Brian McFadden ft. Delta Goodrem 

Funny how most songs sing my current life. 

Friends don't let friends dial drunk.

"Good friends will bail you out of jail. 

Best friends will sit next to you in a jail, and say, "Dude, we're fucked up."

I have always been more comfortable befriending boys than girls. I have the impression based on my own observation, theory and experience that being friends with boys result in less drama and less jealousy. Back in my junior high, I was always in a group with a number of other girls, and we always ended up breaking that group into a smaller group since there was always someone who betrays. It happened not only once, but a couple of times. Then, I promised myself that even when you feel that whoever you are fine being friends with, will always have a reason to turn their back on you. Therefore, I should be extra-careful in choosing people and what to say to them. In a way, it's kind of like protecting myself from being hurt again.

Less drama and less jealousy by means, in both material and lifestyle.

I never realize this: Myself, when it comes to a friend that I really am close with, I would do anything for them. Even when it's just a small thing. I don't know if it's true, but this is what these friends said to me. And I think that is so sweet of them. :)

So as I grow older, I started to have more boy friends than girls. I am used to being treated as the only girl in the group, therefore often they don't treat me differently but as one of their boy friends. I gradually learn and know more about the "guys' world"- and my language also began to meet theirs. Not that I become interested in cars, sports, soccer games or even girls - but I became so much more familiar with their topics. And guess what I really love from being friends with guys? They don't judge. Whatever I do wrong, they will sit down and there will be this advice/counseling time. They would tell me why shouldn't I do this, what's the consequences and how to fix it. I became more comfortable in my own skin, and I love that.

However, there comes the time when I have to leave them and started a new journey of my own in another country. New friends are always been a little of my pet peeves cus I'm not good with being friends with new people. Minor traumatized, as they call it. I'm afraid that when I don't set this boundary, they would always in the end hurt or backstab with all of the power they have. I slowly started to befriend with new girls and boys. But it was different this time. Both of them have the power to, and I never thought that they would. And of course, I stopped being friends with most of them, cutting myself out of their world and however way for them to reach me.

One thing that I have never really told anyone, is that I have this fear of using the word 'best-friend' to anyone, no matter how close I am with them. Experience taught me the hard way. Once I started to overcome my fear by calling one of my good friend as my best-friend, it didn't turn out to be a forever-friend story. Yup, we stopped being friends. Well, I did stop being friend with him.

I learnt a lot from my friendship history with many. Some of them are trustworthy, some of them are hypocrites, some of them are real friends. I don't regret the ex-friends that don't turn out to be a forever-friend or just those friends-that-I-say-hi-when-I-meet-them-but-don't-hang-out-with-them; I learnt a lot of life lesson from them.
Not all you can trust; & those that stays during your down phase are worth fighting for.


xo

A beautiful mess

They told me once, that being nice to everyone is essential,
They lied.
I tried to be nice to everyone and they turned their back on me when I needed them the most,
They told me once, that revenge is worthless.
They lied.
I tried to let bygones be bygones and they said that I was weak.
They told me once, that I should never bother what others are saying about you,
They lied again.
I deafen my ears, closed my eyes and walk straight ahead, but it was just getting worse.
They told me once again, that being quiet doesn't mean you're weak; it implies the opposite.
Again, they lied.
I tried to let it go, but it haunts me even worse I ran faster..

They told me, "You're not weak. You're a strong young woman."
Apparently they do not know the limit that I could take.
I choked up, I found it hard to swallow all of these hardships at once.
Could I be wrong?

They did not lie.
Humble heart is to be appreciated for better or worse;
They said that God sees his beloved and He knows a humble heart and He adores it.
They did not lie.
Forgiveness is only to be given out from a humble heart;
To forgive is to forget. Forgiveness is not a sign of weakness; forgiveness is a strength and forgiveness takes courage.
Again, they did not lie.
Silence isn't soundless; but silence can be the loudest cry.

They say trust is just like a mirror.

Once it is broken, it cannot be as perfect as it was..

Perfectly imperfect, but it cannot reflects the same way as it did.

I can be broken so many times and I won't reflect the person I was,

but I can draw a beautiful reflection of a better person.

A very much better person that one day they'll say,

"Look at her, she is now a strong woman."

And one day, they'll be proud of me.

When I'm good, I'm good. When I'm bad, I'm better.

One last post before Spring breaks kickstart!

Was reading Joyce's blog and thought to myself, yeah, natalie, what are you good at?

and I'm like... .__________________.

but no. I'm forcing myself to list at least one or two things that I can say on what I am good at before I hit the shower and fly back to Indo! -nope, not listing all negative things I am good at, cus trust me, the list can go on to the infinity and beyond! -

started thinking at 8pm sharp

1. I'm good at......

._________________.

giving up at 8.30