The Chapter Two

This is it.

I graduated from college last Spring, and Summer already began. Graduating and wearing that cape and gown feels relieving, though it is only college. At least I've reached something afterall.

My next path would be pursuing a double major in Mass Communication and Marketing. Seems fun, I'm excited! I keep my next plan as a tiny little secret because I refuse to hear those comments from others, saying that it is such a waste or whatever reasons than going elsewhere in the States. But what do they know? I have missed Nicole's first five years and I don't want to miss more of it ahead. Mom once recalled Nicole's fourth birthday when she cried after hearing my wish via BBM, and there it hit me; I don't wanna miss a thing anymore. She's what keeps me going, she is who I want to walk side by side with and I want to show her the world. She's my motivation and she will always be my little baby girl. Despite those negative reactions I get, I will still stick to my own plan and decision.

Strange feeling surfaces; I still feel as if I'm moving to a new place instead of moving back. But I'm well prepared now. Will be pursuing a degree in double major so I guess I'll be pretty busy but since it's me; study hard means have fun go mad! (;

Current Playlist

Currently favoring these songs:

1. Payphone - Maroon 5 ft. Wiz Khalifa

2. Happy Pills - Norah Jones 

3. Drive By - Train 

4. Oh Darling - Plug in Stereo

5. Somebody that I Used To Know - Gotye ft. Kimbra

6. Icing - Charity Vance

7. Into the Ocean - Charity Vance

8. Don't Let Me Go - The Click Five

9. Kiss - TC and the Geunj

10. All About Us - He Is We ft. Owl City

11. All My Love - Cameron Mitchell

12. Enchanted - Taylor Swift

13. I'll Follow You Into The Dark - Death Cab for Cutie

14. Kiss Me Slowly - Parachute

15. Meet You At The Moon - Imelda May

16. Undertow - Timbaland ft. The Fray

17. Almost Here - Brian McFadden ft. Delta Goodrem 

Funny how most songs sing my current life. 

Friends don't let friends dial drunk.

"Good friends will bail you out of jail. 

Best friends will sit next to you in a jail, and say, "Dude, we're fucked up."

I have always been more comfortable befriending boys than girls. I have the impression based on my own observation, theory and experience that being friends with boys result in less drama and less jealousy. Back in my junior high, I was always in a group with a number of other girls, and we always ended up breaking that group into a smaller group since there was always someone who betrays. It happened not only once, but a couple of times. Then, I promised myself that even when you feel that whoever you are fine being friends with, will always have a reason to turn their back on you. Therefore, I should be extra-careful in choosing people and what to say to them. In a way, it's kind of like protecting myself from being hurt again.

Less drama and less jealousy by means, in both material and lifestyle.

I never realize this: Myself, when it comes to a friend that I really am close with, I would do anything for them. Even when it's just a small thing. I don't know if it's true, but this is what these friends said to me. And I think that is so sweet of them. :)

So as I grow older, I started to have more boy friends than girls. I am used to being treated as the only girl in the group, therefore often they don't treat me differently but as one of their boy friends. I gradually learn and know more about the "guys' world"- and my language also began to meet theirs. Not that I become interested in cars, sports, soccer games or even girls - but I became so much more familiar with their topics. And guess what I really love from being friends with guys? They don't judge. Whatever I do wrong, they will sit down and there will be this advice/counseling time. They would tell me why shouldn't I do this, what's the consequences and how to fix it. I became more comfortable in my own skin, and I love that.

However, there comes the time when I have to leave them and started a new journey of my own in another country. New friends are always been a little of my pet peeves cus I'm not good with being friends with new people. Minor traumatized, as they call it. I'm afraid that when I don't set this boundary, they would always in the end hurt or backstab with all of the power they have. I slowly started to befriend with new girls and boys. But it was different this time. Both of them have the power to, and I never thought that they would. And of course, I stopped being friends with most of them, cutting myself out of their world and however way for them to reach me.

One thing that I have never really told anyone, is that I have this fear of using the word 'best-friend' to anyone, no matter how close I am with them. Experience taught me the hard way. Once I started to overcome my fear by calling one of my good friend as my best-friend, it didn't turn out to be a forever-friend story. Yup, we stopped being friends. Well, I did stop being friend with him.

I learnt a lot from my friendship history with many. Some of them are trustworthy, some of them are hypocrites, some of them are real friends. I don't regret the ex-friends that don't turn out to be a forever-friend or just those friends-that-I-say-hi-when-I-meet-them-but-don't-hang-out-with-them; I learnt a lot of life lesson from them.
Not all you can trust; & those that stays during your down phase are worth fighting for.


xo

A beautiful mess

They told me once, that being nice to everyone is essential,
They lied.
I tried to be nice to everyone and they turned their back on me when I needed them the most,
They told me once, that revenge is worthless.
They lied.
I tried to let bygones be bygones and they said that I was weak.
They told me once, that I should never bother what others are saying about you,
They lied again.
I deafen my ears, closed my eyes and walk straight ahead, but it was just getting worse.
They told me once again, that being quiet doesn't mean you're weak; it implies the opposite.
Again, they lied.
I tried to let it go, but it haunts me even worse I ran faster..

They told me, "You're not weak. You're a strong young woman."
Apparently they do not know the limit that I could take.
I choked up, I found it hard to swallow all of these hardships at once.
Could I be wrong?

They did not lie.
Humble heart is to be appreciated for better or worse;
They said that God sees his beloved and He knows a humble heart and He adores it.
They did not lie.
Forgiveness is only to be given out from a humble heart;
To forgive is to forget. Forgiveness is not a sign of weakness; forgiveness is a strength and forgiveness takes courage.
Again, they did not lie.
Silence isn't soundless; but silence can be the loudest cry.

They say trust is just like a mirror.

Once it is broken, it cannot be as perfect as it was..

Perfectly imperfect, but it cannot reflects the same way as it did.

I can be broken so many times and I won't reflect the person I was,

but I can draw a beautiful reflection of a better person.

A very much better person that one day they'll say,

"Look at her, she is now a strong woman."

And one day, they'll be proud of me.

When I'm good, I'm good. When I'm bad, I'm better.

One last post before Spring breaks kickstart!

Was reading Joyce's blog and thought to myself, yeah, natalie, what are you good at?

and I'm like... .__________________.

but no. I'm forcing myself to list at least one or two things that I can say on what I am good at before I hit the shower and fly back to Indo! -nope, not listing all negative things I am good at, cus trust me, the list can go on to the infinity and beyond! -

started thinking at 8pm sharp

1. I'm good at......

._________________.

giving up at 8.30

The Hardest Thing

"Hey, I miss your smile..
I don't see it so often anymore nowadays, Natalie.
I know you are going through so many things lately
and those things have taken too much of the person I used to know.
I know it is not easy,
but I've been trying to help you, even when you don't notice it, but I'm here..
I know you feel as if you are lost, N;
you withdraw yourself from your friends, cus you feel like you don't belong
you isolate yourself from those circle, your insecurity just eat you up;
you lock yourself in your room everyday,
cus that's where you feel safe and sound..

But that doesn't mean that you should erase your smile, N
cus that is one beautiful smile you have
and I don't want to see you not wearing it anymore.
It is too precious to be vanished over a small matter like this,
crying over it won't solve anything..
I hate seeing those tears streaming down your face, I really do.
I wish I you really see, that I am here for you.
I know you always feel like you're alone, but I'm here.
You don't see it but I am here.

So please,
don't erase that smile from your face..
wear it and just forget the world for once, and for all.
you mean a lot to many, don't let some bring you down;
and remember - to pray, to love and to be happy.
because you mean a lot to many."

someone said this and I just can't help it..

Getting Inked

I've always wanted to get a tattoo. There is always an opportunity and the urge to enter one of the tattoo shops I find, but there is also this nudge of hesitance; what if I want more than just one tattoo ?

I've heard before that getting a tattoo is almost like trying a new drug, you can get addicted to it that you won't stop after just one tattoo. I have few piercings and I could tolerate the pain, and they make me more scared to get inked - that I won't stop after just one tattoo. :x

I wanna do quotes or a word. Because quotes that touch me always alerts me of what's going on, what have been going on, what went on and what will go on. I have a lot of favorite quotes I fancy that I am confused. Here are they:


"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." - The famous serenity prayer. Definitely this one will always remind me of how I should forever and always rely on God no matter what

"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven; " - Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Nicole's handwriting of "love" - this would be the cutest and unique tats ever, but what if she sees it and wants one too? Who knows you know, she's full of surprise ;)

Hope, Strength and Courage - These three things are always getting tested and I keep repeating the same starting line.

"this too, shall pass" - A quote that will always remind me of how nothing is permanent in this world, not even our problems. So everytime I am on my down phase, I will be reminded that it will soon begone. A strengthening quote, really.


and the list would probably go on and my confusion will soon grow as well. but who knows. Maybe one day I find the courage to just go for it and get one. (;