What A Shame We All Became Such Fragile Broken Things

"I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel" 

Maya Angelou

Believe me,  I only have lived the Earth for twenty-one-plus-a-few-days old, but I feel like I have known life in a pretty harsh way, I'd say. I do know I do not know everything, but I guess I've known enough to draw a conclusion that this is not a pretty world we live in.

Classic, huh. Let's just say I've learn my lesson from what I see, what I know and what I learn.

1.

"Trust is like a mirror; you can fix it when it's broken, 

but you can still see the mother fucker's reflection." 

(Lady Gaga)

Three years ago, I was still this rebellious carefree girl; stubborn, smartass, and probably tad too selfish. I always believed that nobody ever deserve a second chance after doing the terrible things they had (unbelievably) done (to me), that trust can only be gained once, not twice or even more. Unfortunately (or fortunately?), honey, karma never fail to knock on the door. I broke trusts of several people I care so much about in my life, all at almost the same time and I begged for second chances. I really didn't hope so much about it since I know second chances are not for everyone, but I was just hoping that I am part of that "not-for-everyone" tiny circles. Then I thought to myself, I was cruel. I was crossing people out of my life just like that with no mercy and yet there I was ironically at the same place deserved to be knocked out of people's life, yet refusing and denying how much I should get it.
Standing in a place where you know you have just break trust is terrifying and horrible. Feeling guilty and unforgivable just simply suck. But I've learned my lesson: that forgiveness takes so much courage and guts, and everyone do deserve second chances ..just with terms & conditions.


2.

"When one thing falls, another grows. 

Maybe not what was there before, but something new and wonderful 

at the same time."

(Bambi's Mother)

I used to be someone who gets whatever I want, at (almost) all cost. Whether I was trying hard to get this or even when I just sit there doing nothing and I get that. Then what does that makes me? An arrogant bitch that oversees and underestimates everything, or sometimes, people too. So one time, reality bitch-slapped me hard right in the face and I went all the way from the top, to the ground.. And it hurts. ): 

It was probably a simple matter, but to me it was big. I had my perfect future plan all set and I was just about to begin and strive my bachelor degree. A month, all it takes, and my plans were all scattered I have to start from zero. When I know I had to toss it out and start fresh on a new blank page, I was devastated. I was angry. I was disappointed. I acted immature and ignored everyone. It felt like my life was about to end; my sleeping pattern was fucked, my appetite was gone and my mood was absolutely depressing to be around. I was an optimistic pessimist before, but during that time, I was positively a pessimist in every way. 

A little voice keeps telling me, there must be something good that He planned -- but I ignored it. I was holding on because I felt like something this good would happen twice. Guess what, I was wrong. Something this good may not come twice, but something better will. 

And I've figured out what was this 'something better'. I get to finally fulfill my passion to be my career, and I've got the green light to study in a city I've never thought I would go to. 

Now, maybe I've overreacted and was barely can contain my emotion but this has taught me so much. I feel I have learned to be patient, to chill before making any big fat decision, because my life doesn't revolve around me alone, no matter how hard I deny. I've got my family that I need to worry about; whatever happens to me they'd care too. The lesson? More mature me. :)

3.

Friendship. I'd say I've this thing when I met a person for the first time, whether I'll be interested to know them more than that one acquaintance . No, it doesn't mean that I judge a book by the cover. But it means if I like you, we'll click just like that, but if I feel something isn't good in our chemistry, then it simply means I have no interest in knowing you further. 

Arrogant? No. I've got to testify that. I think I've learn that you cannot trust people all at once, and your friends may not be your friends afterall. I've known so many so-called best friends broke up over a simple matter, in fact, I experienced several myself. Once I like you, it means I trust you. I trust you to build out friendship and I care about you. Sometimes I oversees thing and forgive because I trust you that you're a good person. 

Ironically, the same reason bite me back in the ass, and friendships end just like that. I've forgiven so much and never looked back but friends do hurt you too, apparently. I thought friends were the ones who got your back and you got theirs too. I thought friends will be there when you need them with no condition. And I thought friends are the ones who saves you when you are lost. I thought that was what friendship was. 

Nope, I was wrong. A few friends decided to show me how painful it is to lose people that I care so much about, or some even decided to do bads and feel no guilt about it - which eventually ruined my life. 

Until one day, I decided to cut off anyone who are no good to me. Honey, it is always painful to watch people leave, but it is even more painful to say goodbye to people that you thought matter. It's like you finally realize you're a fool to believe in something you thought was real. I think it's worse than knowing that you have got your Hermés worth a grand and at the end of the day it's fucking made in China. :P

Long story short, I am happy surrounded by the people I have right now by my side. Maybe it seems like I have so much less people I keep around than before, but I'm telling you, I have never been happier. I don't have to worry about another betrayal, another backstabbing or another stupid rumor-spreaders. Cutting off relationship may sounds harsh, but if that helps to make my life even better, why not?


________________________________________________________________

I may not know everything about life, but I know that I have known enough to shape me for who I am today. I had to thank my past, as much as I refuse to. A friend of mine once told me how 'fun' my life seems; roller coaster ride that they thought can only happen in the fiction. Mentally tiresome and sickening. But, if I had to rewind, I'd refuse. Because life is tough and it's your choice to let it control you, or.. you control it. :)


xo,


N

Wicked Fun Book

Have you ever had so much in your mind you can't contain it, but when you have the chance to write it down you just can't? 

Currently happening to me. 

I used to write a lot. I used to write down my thoughts, my blabs, or my nonsenses. Mostly in my blog, which is pretty abandoned right now. :P 

But here I am today, staring at my screen trying to find what I would like to share virtually but nothing comes out. I don't wanna write something meaningless but I think I am writing nonsense now anyway. :|

A few months ago, I bought this book: 

Mess - The Manual of Accidents and Mistakes by Keri Smith

Your whole life you've been taught to avoid 

making a mess: Try to keep everything under 

control, color inside the lines, make it 

perfect, and at all costs, avoid contact with 

things that stain. 

This book asks you to do the opposite of what 

you have been taught. Think of it as your own 

personal rumpus room. A place to let loose,

to trash, to spew, to do the things you are not 

allowed to do in the "real world." It's time to make a mess. 

Three rules to keep in mind:

1. Do not try to make something beautiful

2. Do not think too much. (There is no "wrong.")

3. Continue under all circumstances. 

The point of the book is to push you to let loose and break the rules. At the end of the day, the book will be unique to each other once we own it. I haven't started page one, (I even forget that I own this book. Oops!) but I'm going to start the introduction and do the rest of the book. Let's see if I can finish it! :)

ps: ..no. Actually, I'm not gonna start on page one. ;)

Cliché

"Life is like a spinning wheel. You can never be forever at the bottom, nor on top"

Classic. 

Have you ever feel tired of life, and all you wanna do is just skip right up a page or even a chapter? I don't know how many times I have said this, but surely is I'm not at my very propitious stage of my life. There was a time where I felt like I have everything that I could ever ask for. Nothing lasts forever, therefore, surprise, surprise; I felt like I have lost everything again. 

This time, it's overwhelming. 

I finally once felt like I get a grip somewhere in my life. I know what I was doing, I know that I will be fine. But then, some misfortune came along and snatched it up in a flash; unscrupulously leaving me breathless and.. lost. 

Every Little Earthquake Caught

"Behind these perfect solid walls, there are cracks that are hidden from the outside."

Admit it. Even when you don't judge a book by its cover, the very first thing that you will notice about it is the appearance. The cover of it that cloaks the pages inside that withdraw your curiosity of its content. And then it all comes back to you; to ignore the ugly cover that surrounds the pages inside or you may proceed to find another book that trigger your inquisitiveness. 

But here's the thing;

Even the strongest person you know hides something within them. It may be an old heartbreak or a little white lie. But you can't see them because he hides it with his strength, that no one could notice. 

Every little heartbreak or every little painful pinch must worth something in the end. Classic, yes, but I believe that everything happens for a reason and God must have assigned it to shape us.

I admit that I am lucky; I am lucky and blessed to have a perfect family that anyone can ever ask for. Yes we had our ups and downs, but the boundaries built within us is so strong that we grow stronger and stronger each day. We protect, we love and we share - I am forever grateful because of them.

I know that there are many broken family out there. Whenever I notice one, I can never be more grateful than I am today to be blessed that I still have a perfect family that not everyone can have. In fact, a lot of breaking up is happening around me recently and really, it breaks my heart. Every time that these poor subjects tell me about their sorrow and heartbreaks, a little inside me is dying. Marriage is not a game, don't you see? I know I don't know much about marriage and commitment but when you commit to marry someone, that means you should put the effort to fix what is broken to be pieced back together again.

My most favorite line of the vow is: "..til death do us part." 

and really, what has God united as one can not be separated by human. But look at the society today; they get married and file divorces just like a casual break ups. And every single time I know a break up like that, how on earth did they think their children going to live with that? It'd be enough heartbreaks caused and the innocents one wouldn't need to be broken, don't you think?

Well, I'm just upset about this and kinda decided to keep my mouth shut; write it a bit won't hurt (:

"&& I'll make sure to keep my distance"

"You were crying over problems you faced last couple months. I just don't want you to go back to those for any reason. 

.. 

People keep on cheating your kindness and you keep giving them a chance and still coming back for them" 

that's exactly why I built my wall up so high.

The Chapter Two

This is it.

I graduated from college last Spring, and Summer already began. Graduating and wearing that cape and gown feels relieving, though it is only college. At least I've reached something afterall.

My next path would be pursuing a double major in Mass Communication and Marketing. Seems fun, I'm excited! I keep my next plan as a tiny little secret because I refuse to hear those comments from others, saying that it is such a waste or whatever reasons than going elsewhere in the States. But what do they know? I have missed Nicole's first five years and I don't want to miss more of it ahead. Mom once recalled Nicole's fourth birthday when she cried after hearing my wish via BBM, and there it hit me; I don't wanna miss a thing anymore. She's what keeps me going, she is who I want to walk side by side with and I want to show her the world. She's my motivation and she will always be my little baby girl. Despite those negative reactions I get, I will still stick to my own plan and decision.

Strange feeling surfaces; I still feel as if I'm moving to a new place instead of moving back. But I'm well prepared now. Will be pursuing a degree in double major so I guess I'll be pretty busy but since it's me; study hard means have fun go mad! (;

Current Playlist

Currently favoring these songs:

1. Payphone - Maroon 5 ft. Wiz Khalifa

2. Happy Pills - Norah Jones 

3. Drive By - Train 

4. Oh Darling - Plug in Stereo

5. Somebody that I Used To Know - Gotye ft. Kimbra

6. Icing - Charity Vance

7. Into the Ocean - Charity Vance

8. Don't Let Me Go - The Click Five

9. Kiss - TC and the Geunj

10. All About Us - He Is We ft. Owl City

11. All My Love - Cameron Mitchell

12. Enchanted - Taylor Swift

13. I'll Follow You Into The Dark - Death Cab for Cutie

14. Kiss Me Slowly - Parachute

15. Meet You At The Moon - Imelda May

16. Undertow - Timbaland ft. The Fray

17. Almost Here - Brian McFadden ft. Delta Goodrem 

Funny how most songs sing my current life. 

Friends don't let friends dial drunk.

"Good friends will bail you out of jail. 

Best friends will sit next to you in a jail, and say, "Dude, we're fucked up."

I have always been more comfortable befriending boys than girls. I have the impression based on my own observation, theory and experience that being friends with boys result in less drama and less jealousy. Back in my junior high, I was always in a group with a number of other girls, and we always ended up breaking that group into a smaller group since there was always someone who betrays. It happened not only once, but a couple of times. Then, I promised myself that even when you feel that whoever you are fine being friends with, will always have a reason to turn their back on you. Therefore, I should be extra-careful in choosing people and what to say to them. In a way, it's kind of like protecting myself from being hurt again.

Less drama and less jealousy by means, in both material and lifestyle.

I never realize this: Myself, when it comes to a friend that I really am close with, I would do anything for them. Even when it's just a small thing. I don't know if it's true, but this is what these friends said to me. And I think that is so sweet of them. :)

So as I grow older, I started to have more boy friends than girls. I am used to being treated as the only girl in the group, therefore often they don't treat me differently but as one of their boy friends. I gradually learn and know more about the "guys' world"- and my language also began to meet theirs. Not that I become interested in cars, sports, soccer games or even girls - but I became so much more familiar with their topics. And guess what I really love from being friends with guys? They don't judge. Whatever I do wrong, they will sit down and there will be this advice/counseling time. They would tell me why shouldn't I do this, what's the consequences and how to fix it. I became more comfortable in my own skin, and I love that.

However, there comes the time when I have to leave them and started a new journey of my own in another country. New friends are always been a little of my pet peeves cus I'm not good with being friends with new people. Minor traumatized, as they call it. I'm afraid that when I don't set this boundary, they would always in the end hurt or backstab with all of the power they have. I slowly started to befriend with new girls and boys. But it was different this time. Both of them have the power to, and I never thought that they would. And of course, I stopped being friends with most of them, cutting myself out of their world and however way for them to reach me.

One thing that I have never really told anyone, is that I have this fear of using the word 'best-friend' to anyone, no matter how close I am with them. Experience taught me the hard way. Once I started to overcome my fear by calling one of my good friend as my best-friend, it didn't turn out to be a forever-friend story. Yup, we stopped being friends. Well, I did stop being friend with him.

I learnt a lot from my friendship history with many. Some of them are trustworthy, some of them are hypocrites, some of them are real friends. I don't regret the ex-friends that don't turn out to be a forever-friend or just those friends-that-I-say-hi-when-I-meet-them-but-don't-hang-out-with-them; I learnt a lot of life lesson from them.
Not all you can trust; & those that stays during your down phase are worth fighting for.


xo

A beautiful mess

They told me once, that being nice to everyone is essential,
They lied.
I tried to be nice to everyone and they turned their back on me when I needed them the most,
They told me once, that revenge is worthless.
They lied.
I tried to let bygones be bygones and they said that I was weak.
They told me once, that I should never bother what others are saying about you,
They lied again.
I deafen my ears, closed my eyes and walk straight ahead, but it was just getting worse.
They told me once again, that being quiet doesn't mean you're weak; it implies the opposite.
Again, they lied.
I tried to let it go, but it haunts me even worse I ran faster..

They told me, "You're not weak. You're a strong young woman."
Apparently they do not know the limit that I could take.
I choked up, I found it hard to swallow all of these hardships at once.
Could I be wrong?

They did not lie.
Humble heart is to be appreciated for better or worse;
They said that God sees his beloved and He knows a humble heart and He adores it.
They did not lie.
Forgiveness is only to be given out from a humble heart;
To forgive is to forget. Forgiveness is not a sign of weakness; forgiveness is a strength and forgiveness takes courage.
Again, they did not lie.
Silence isn't soundless; but silence can be the loudest cry.

They say trust is just like a mirror.

Once it is broken, it cannot be as perfect as it was..

Perfectly imperfect, but it cannot reflects the same way as it did.

I can be broken so many times and I won't reflect the person I was,

but I can draw a beautiful reflection of a better person.

A very much better person that one day they'll say,

"Look at her, she is now a strong woman."

And one day, they'll be proud of me.

When I'm good, I'm good. When I'm bad, I'm better.

One last post before Spring breaks kickstart!

Was reading Joyce's blog and thought to myself, yeah, natalie, what are you good at?

and I'm like... .__________________.

but no. I'm forcing myself to list at least one or two things that I can say on what I am good at before I hit the shower and fly back to Indo! -nope, not listing all negative things I am good at, cus trust me, the list can go on to the infinity and beyond! -

started thinking at 8pm sharp

1. I'm good at......

._________________.

giving up at 8.30

The Hardest Thing

"Hey, I miss your smile..
I don't see it so often anymore nowadays, Natalie.
I know you are going through so many things lately
and those things have taken too much of the person I used to know.
I know it is not easy,
but I've been trying to help you, even when you don't notice it, but I'm here..
I know you feel as if you are lost, N;
you withdraw yourself from your friends, cus you feel like you don't belong
you isolate yourself from those circle, your insecurity just eat you up;
you lock yourself in your room everyday,
cus that's where you feel safe and sound..

But that doesn't mean that you should erase your smile, N
cus that is one beautiful smile you have
and I don't want to see you not wearing it anymore.
It is too precious to be vanished over a small matter like this,
crying over it won't solve anything..
I hate seeing those tears streaming down your face, I really do.
I wish I you really see, that I am here for you.
I know you always feel like you're alone, but I'm here.
You don't see it but I am here.

So please,
don't erase that smile from your face..
wear it and just forget the world for once, and for all.
you mean a lot to many, don't let some bring you down;
and remember - to pray, to love and to be happy.
because you mean a lot to many."

someone said this and I just can't help it..

Getting Inked

I've always wanted to get a tattoo. There is always an opportunity and the urge to enter one of the tattoo shops I find, but there is also this nudge of hesitance; what if I want more than just one tattoo ?

I've heard before that getting a tattoo is almost like trying a new drug, you can get addicted to it that you won't stop after just one tattoo. I have few piercings and I could tolerate the pain, and they make me more scared to get inked - that I won't stop after just one tattoo. :x

I wanna do quotes or a word. Because quotes that touch me always alerts me of what's going on, what have been going on, what went on and what will go on. I have a lot of favorite quotes I fancy that I am confused. Here are they:


"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference." - The famous serenity prayer. Definitely this one will always remind me of how I should forever and always rely on God no matter what

"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven; " - Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

Nicole's handwriting of "love" - this would be the cutest and unique tats ever, but what if she sees it and wants one too? Who knows you know, she's full of surprise ;)

Hope, Strength and Courage - These three things are always getting tested and I keep repeating the same starting line.

"this too, shall pass" - A quote that will always remind me of how nothing is permanent in this world, not even our problems. So everytime I am on my down phase, I will be reminded that it will soon begone. A strengthening quote, really.


and the list would probably go on and my confusion will soon grow as well. but who knows. Maybe one day I find the courage to just go for it and get one. (;

Caught in the undertow

I tripped I stumbled I broke down I cried. I scarred I hurt I teared. I love I lust and I hate, I fucked up. I did everything I could to make my life more miserable than ever.. I hope I strengthened and I hold on. I wake up I believe I tried.


I pray I believe and faith...

hope strength and courage; and love is just the greatest of them all...